Regarding the clubs here.

April 22^nd

Dear guys at every club I’ve ever been to in Europe,

We’ve had an interesting relationship the last few months since I moved here, some ups, mostly downs, but you seem to be confused about some things, so I’ve decided to write you a letter. Now at first I thought that these were probably cultural differences, or that maybe I was being oversensitive, but after accumulating a large amount of experience and conversations with other people, I feel like I can address y’all pretty confidently. Since you don’t seem to understand “no”, “stop”, or “go away” in any language, I’m going to write to you in the language I know you understand, and keep singing off key and loudly in my ear. That of course being bad pop lyrics. Specifically from the UK’s Top 75 Singles chart.

Let’s pretend we’re at a club right now. You walk into this fine dancing establishment, and are probably thinking to yourself “I seen her on the dance floor, she was dancin' sexy, pop, pop, pop, and drop it and drop it low…this was just like dynamite. Honey got a booty like, pow,” like Mr. Usher. Naturally, after evaluating and objectifying this “shorty” you go up to her, get “all up in her junk” and in the sheer poetry of Mr. Timbaland, sing badly in her ear to “move a little closer and take my order” or “your body looks like carry out” or more likely ANYTHING else from that song that I really don’t feel comfortable putting in my blog letter because I’m pretty sure its breaks obscenity laws somewhere. But naturally, being compared to food, while you’re grabbing me in whatever area you can, seeing as I only have two hands to fight you off with and pepper spray is illegal here, WHILE telling me how to serve you, that right there, well that is clearly the way to a woman’s heart.

Or perhaps you’re not a Timbaland kind of guy, maybe you’re more into the artistic genius that is Bedrock. In which case, said “honey” will be serenaded with winners like “but now we’re murders cuz we kill time, I knock her lights out but she still shine. I hate to see her go, but I love to watch her leave.” Oh boy, I know the attention to and support of domestic abuse is what I look for in man.

Or maybe you are sort of a sweetheart and really just want to only be gross in the club instead of expecting us “slutty bitches” to come home with you. How romantic. You’re probably into 3OH3! And Miss Perry, crooning about how “Tight jeans, double d’s makin’ me go (whistles), all the people on the street know (whistles)”. But that’s okay, because we all know that you, oh beloved club go-er you, “should know how to make love to something innocent. Without leaving my fingerprints out”. But you know, look at that, you’re giving us the dignity of being degraded with our clothes on. Thanks for that.

Listen.

I, meaning women, don’t want to “get with you”. I want to look good, have fun, and dance without being accosted. I want to dance without being eyed up and down like food. And I don’t want you to touch me. AT ALL. When I say “stop that” or slap you, that’s not an encouragement or a game. It means “get the hell away from me”. And no, if you buy me a drink, I’m not going to sleep with you. And no, if you make eye contact with me for longer than 20 seconds, I’m still not going to sleep with you. And for the love of all that is right in the world, if you get way too close and sing Akon in my ear, I’M STILL NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH YOU.

It’s not okay for you to ignore what I say, it’s not okay for you to turn me into either a whore or a bitch because I don’t like you, it’s not okay for you to make me feel unsafe or scared, it’s not okay for you to make me have to have another guy around just watch my back, and it’s definitely not okay for you to force me to do anything. I’m not a doll or food or prey or inferior. I am a person, and I am awesome and if you try anything again for the 900^th time, I will kick your ass.

Male clubbers of Europe, I’m glad we had this talk.

Sincerely,
Sarah

P.S. The BBC just told me that 1 in 5 of you has diseases. You should probably get that checked out.